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Enhancing Self-Love with Tiffany Toombs
We’ve got another amazing interview for you. We’ve got another NLP expert on the show with us, which is so exciting. I love having people with a similar background to me as well as people doing amazing work out there. Tiffany Toombs is a mindset coach and author. She’s released her book, Stop Being a Selfish B*tch. She does incredible work with people specializing in clearing out old stuff. People can renew themselves, renew their lives. We’re going to talk all about that. Tiffany, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for having me. I’m excited to be here.
I’m excited to have you. As with every coach, let’s start off with your origin stories. How did you get into this? Frankly, it’s a weird thing to spend all of your time on.
I’ve been a coach in one form or another since I was fifteen. I started out in the fitness space. I was one of those weird people who always loved to work out. My mom talks about how I used to run stairs when I was five until I was so exhausted. That was the space that I started out in. I had a belief back then, and I still do to a degree, that if I could make people feel comfortable in their own skin and start loving their bodies through exercise, and seeing that as something that we get to do instead of something we have to do, that I could help make the world a better place. I moved into athletic training and being that rehab specialist for people. It was one of those when you can’t play sports well, you coach or you rehab so that you can still be around sports.
After getting cut from multiple high school basketball teams, I decided to work on the rehab side of things. I always loved the challenge of putting someone back together, so to speak. That took me to Australia where I started facing a couple more challenging clients who had recurring injuries that the usual physical modalities weren’t fixing. At the same time, I had my own personal life breakdown, which I now look at as a breakthrough. The day I found out I was pregnant, I found out that the guy that I had been dating for three years had a girlfriend in another state. Obviously the stress of that, not being able to eat or sleep for a couple of weeks, I ended up losing the baby. I miscarried. My entire life fell apart. I was living in Australia so I couldn’t run home to my mom like I had done with every other break up and have her cook for me and whatnot and love me back together. I had to deal with it on my own this time. I started to realize that this societal notion of let the past go and move on wasn’t working for me. It didn’t work for anybody else either because moving on in society is suppressing, thinking that we’ve dealt with it, but not calling it suppression.
It’s like pushing that beach ball under water and holding it there. Nobody can see it and on the surface, everything looks good, but underneath there’s all this stuff. I went to see a psychologist and talked about all my childhood problems. My stepmom had abused me growing up. It brought it all back up to the surface. After spending a couple thousand dollars, she was like, “Don’t you feel better now?” I was like, “No, I probably feel worse.” I’ve learned that some counselors and therapists make some weird comments like mine did of like, “I’m surprised you’re so high-functioning in society.” I’m like, “Really? How is that supposed to help me?”
I went on a journey to start to understand the mind more and understand how we can start to let go of the old stuff. I started out with a lot of your more typical personal development events where it was like get up and dance and loud music, and then you left and you were back in your life without any real tools or techniques to use. People are still telling you like, “The past happened. You can’t change it.” That led me on a journey that brought me to NLP and to a woman in Australia who created another branch of NLP called Matrix Therapies, which was all about getting resolution on the emotions from those events so that you can be free from that. It’s changed my life so now I get to use it to change the lives of other people.
How does Matrix Therapies differ from NLP or other healing modalities?
It’s a branch of NLP. Pip did a twenty-year spiritual apprenticeship. She’s been to places like Estelline. She studied Huna and Ho’oponopono in Hawaii. She had counseling and teaching and acting background. She combined all of that with NLP. It’s similar to Timeline Therapy except that instead of the adults telling the child the lesson that they needed, the inner child being able to figure out that lesson and the resources that they needed, and then giving that to them so that the psyche that stuck at whatever childhood age it is can grow up and the person can be more resourceful.Anybody who's doing good in this world is going to have haters. Click To Tweet
If you’re wondering what we said, there are a lot of different kinds of healing modalities that allow you to essentially change your past. It’s as close as we can get right now to going back in time, providing your earlier self with the resources that you didn’t have at the time or the knowledge or the emotional capacity of groundedness or support, whatever you needed. You go back and infuse that earlier concept of yourself with this knowledge, with these resources. Because of that, it helps free up either stagnant energy or it eliminates emotional blocks or it resolves beliefs. It could do an amazing amount of healing. That’s essentially what we were talking about.
For a lot of people, they don’t realize that the bulk of their belief systems are embedded and created between the ages of zero and seven. Obviously, you have a very limited view of the world back then. The unconscious mind isn’t always logical in how it perceives the world, especially at that age. It’s about reframing that perception. For me, for example, with the abuse that I had as a child, I created a belief system that the abuse meant that I wasn’t worthy. I’m a personal believer in the universe or God or whoever it was wouldn’t have created me, my unique self, to be not worthy. That obviously held me back from a lot of things in relationships, in finances, and in following my true calling in life. Using these techniques, I was able to go back and reframe, and look at that situation from a viewpoint that’s not necessarily my own, and see that she had been abused in previous relationships. Her relationship with my biological dad was the first safe one.
On the weekends that I was with him, I took away his attention from her because he would dote on me. I became a threat to this new lifestyle and this safety that she had found within a relationship. When we talk about hurt people hurting people, that was the case for her. The abuse wasn’t necessarily a demonstration or a reflection of my worthiness but a reflection for having the belief that she wasn’t worthy. When people get that reframe, you can almost see the point where the reframe happens. It’s like they shift that backpack or that lead ball off of their ankle. It’s like, “I don’t have to carry this anymore.” I do what I do totally selfishly because I get a front row seat to watching that a-ha moment happen. While I know it changes their life, I get to be the one who watches that transformation, which I love. It’s like watching a butterfly come out of the cocoon. It’s an amazing thing to watch.
I’m hopelessly addicted to that experience. I openly tell people it’s incredible for me to see this happen. It’s like a reaffirmation of the way that I said yes. If you’re reading this and you’ve never worked with a transformational coach or at least a good one, it’s this point where you can physically feel a belief that had been causing havoc in your life or perception that had been blocking you from being happy leave. You can feel it leave and we can see it leave. It is real life magic. I’m not going to bag on any therapists or anybody like that. I have full respect for anybody who’s committed their lives to help other people feel even better.
There are definitely some good therapists.
There are wonderful therapists out there for sure. I view the work that we do with NLP, with hypnosis, with a lot of energy healing, I feel like this is the forefront of that work. Instead of going back and revisiting these things that had caused you trauma, pain, or discomfort in the past, you can go back and alleviate all of that negativity. You can go back and restructure the thoughts that you had based the rest of your life on and allow yourself to love yourself and honor yourself even more, which is also an area of your expertise. It’s this whole idea of self-love.
I’m a massive self-love advocate. I honestly believe that everything happens from self-love. All of the world’s problems right now could be solved through self-love. A lot of the issues are coming from people who are looking for love and not getting it. There are so many people looking for love and not enough people giving it that it’s creating animosity, anger or frustration in the world. When we can learn to give that love that we’re seeking from others to ourselves, it’s a game changer.
Let’s start off with the foundations here. I feel like self-love is one of those things that a lot of people talk about but not a lot of people know what it is. The lack of definition causes a lot of problems with this whole thing of self-love. How do you define it?
For me, self-love is making the best decisions for you like me as a person, knowing that when I make the best decisions for me, ultimately that’s going to work out best for everyone. When I say that, a lot of people think that I’m promoting narcissism. The difference for me between self-love and narcissism is that I’m not being so self-serving that I would be willing to harm others in the long run. For example, I’ve done this pattern, which is why I talk about it so much. I’ve been in relationships before where I knew that it wasn’t the relationship for me and yet I stayed because I didn’t want to hurt that other person. In the long run, all I do is I hurt myself and that other person more than if I was to rip off the Band-Aid. They’re going to be hurt in the short-term but in the long run, it’s going to be the best thing for them.It's not our darkness that we're afraid of, it's our light. Click To Tweet
For example, if I stay with somebody who I know is not the right person for me, I don’t just hurt them or myself. There are four people I believe that get hurt in that situation. I hurt myself and them. Obviously, I stopped them from finding the person who can truly love them in the way that they need. I hurt myself because I’m not finding the love that I truly need and I’m not fully experiencing a fulfilling life. I hurt the person that’s meant to find my partner from finding that true love. I’ve hurt the person that’s meant to find me and be that partner that I experience that fulfillment with. A narcissist, on the other hand or somebody who’s coming from a place of narcissistic tendencies, is going to stay in that relationship that they know isn’t right for them because they know the other person loves them enough that they can manipulate and control that person. For me, that’s the difference between the narcissist and being self-loving. I make that distinction because every single time I’ve put out a post about self-love, I get comments or people messaging me telling me to stop promoting narcissism.
When I put out a post about what is narcissism and how do you set boundaries with narcissists, I get comments about it’s not cool to judge people or to categorize them. I’m like, “I can’t win.” That was where my whole book concept of Stop Being a Selfish B*tch came from. Oftentimes when people are being self-loving, the people around them that are uncomfortable with them following their truth will characterize them as being selfish. Again, this has happened to me many times on my journey when I moved to Australia, Canada, and Dallas. It became this whole thing of like, “You’re being so selfish. You’re only thinking about yourself,” except that when I’m doing what I know is my truth and my calling, I change lives.
I believe that each and every one of us is here to change people’s lives in some way. You could change somebody’s life by baking the best apple pie or doing the best tire change or oil change, or maybe it’s on a greater level where you’re helping people rewire their brain. It doesn’t matter the scale of changing people’s lives as long as you’re changing one life. As long as you’re using your gift and your message for good in the world, then you’re going to change people’s lives. People get so caught up in this. I don’t want to be selfish because everyone else is going to see me as selfish by following my truth. When in reality I want to flip it on its head and I asked myself this question, if I don’t follow my truth, how many lives that I’m meant to change won’t be changed and will stay stuck because I stayed stuck in fear and self-doubt? When we start to overcome that fear and self-doubt and walk the path of our truth, then, in the long run, we change more lives and we impact more lives. We make the world a better place because we personally are more fulfilled and happier.
I want to highlight that question because that’s an interesting thing. This is something that I’ve noticed as well in my world, too. A lot of people have experienced this thing. An important question there is if I follow my truth, whatever this backlash is going to be fine, whatever it is. If I don’t follow my truth, if I play small, if I allow myself to fall into my own mediocrity by not going after what I want and rising to the level of what I could be, if I don’t allow myself to be truly happy and fulfilled, who would be hurt by that? Who would be missing out because I’m not being myself? Is it going to be my family?
Is it my friends who don’t have a friend who’s there for them? Is it your family who doesn’t have someone who’s present and loving because they’ve allowed themselves to feel bad? Is it your clients or your potential clients? That question is so strong. We don’t ask ourselves these things. We only look at one side of the equation. It’s an amazing thing. I’ve had this conversation with someone at one point a couple of years ago and they called me out for the same thing, saying, “You’re advocating selfishness. You yourself are being selfish.” My response was something along the lines of, “If you’re upset because I’m not giving you my energy, you’re the one who’s selfish. It’s amazing that the people who throw these things out there won’t even think about it. It’s like an emotional response to them not having what they want and feeling like they need or want someone else to come and save them.
When that person doesn’t want to save them because they’re thinking about saving themselves or doing their own thing or saving them isn’t in alignment or saving them isn’t even good for the person trying to be saved, sometimes we need people to figure it out and rise to their own occasion. That’s the best way of helping them. When people see that, “I can’t blame my situation on someone else. I can’t scapegoat it on someone else,” they either lash out even more or they start changing. That weird little in between time when they’re still not quite ready to take full responsibility for their lives but they’re also not fully ready to admit like, “I’m a victim,” that is when people will lash out and say, “No, you do your own truth. Instead of giving us all your energy, you’re being selfish. That’s not right.”
Stop Being a Selfish B*tch started out as a personal project for me. I had lost everything at the end of 2017 by getting into business with the wrong people in Australia so I moved back to Canada. I had these people who I realized I wanted to keep me safe and wanted me to get back on my feet. They’re telling me to get the same 9 to 5 job, “Be a secretary, you’re good at that.” I was like, “No.” I know that I’ve always had business partners and that hasn’t worked out for me, but I honestly know that I need to go all in on my coaching. I asked myself how many lives would I change in one year if I decided to put fear and self-doubt on the shelf for a year.
I can always go back to it. If things don’t work out, I can take that fear and self-doubt back down and start living that life. I already know what that’s like. What if I put it away for 365 days and believed in myself? The answer to that question is I’ve had 155 one-on-one clients in that 365 days. I’ve presented to over 500 people. My book in the first month of its release was bought by over 550 people. I have had over 80,000 views on my articles and content that have gone out. That’s only on one platform that tracks views. I had 80,000 views on one article, so I know it’s well above that. That one article was shared like 12,000 times. I’ve had a massive reach and I’ve had a massive impact in one year. I’m deciding to leave. I’m going to pack up the fear and self-doubt and ship it off into the middle of nowhere because I don’t need it anymore. There were days in there where I was in a long-distance relationship for six months, so I lost a lot of days traveling back and forth.
There was other drama and things that popped up that I had to deal with at that time. I know it wasn’t 365 full days that fear and self-doubt were up on the shelf. At the same time, I still achieved those numbers. I’m no different to you or anybody that’s reading. That was what my whole book was about. I need to share with people like, “Here are the obstacles that are going to get in the way. You’re going to piss people off.” A mentor told me, “Mother Theresa had haters. If Mother Theresa had haters, you’re going to have haters.” The pope has haters. Anybody who’s doing good in this world is going to have haters. Things like money, things like time or things like everyday life are limiting beliefs. Those are going to get in the way. The second part of the book is a step by step of some things that you need to do to set yourself up for radical self-love.There is no failure, only feedback. Click To Tweet
What would you say to a person who is reading this and saying, “It’s all well and good that you could put fear and self-doubt on a shelf for a year? I’ve tried it. I don’t know how to even start that process. What do I do?”
There are a couple of things that I tell people to start with. First, it’s easiest to put fear and self-doubt on the shelf if you know where you’re going. One of the reasons that people get caught up in the hamster wheel of life is that they don’t have a clear roadmap of where they want to go. My mom first bought me The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People when I was fourteen. I don’t remember the other six, but the one that has always stuck with me was begin with the end in mind. I take this to an extreme. In my book, I talk about pictures of being a fly on the wall at your funeral. What are people saying about you? What’s the legacy that you left behind?
Figure out that mission for your life and then take one step towards it every day. Focus on moving one inch towards that life mission. Become so intentional in everything that you do that when you ask yourself, “If I eat at McDonald’s, is that moving me closer to my intention or not?” If the answer is no, then don’t do it. “Is being friends with this person or is going out and getting super drunk moving me closer to my intention?” I’m not saying don’t have a good time, don’t celebrate. For me, I still go out and I’ll have nights out with friends with the intention of spending time with them, with the intention of I’m going to connect with these people. I’m going to take some time away from my business knowing that mentally that’s what I need sometimes. If I’m going out every single Friday night and then I’m spending the weekend hangover, is that helping me get closer? Probably not. Everything starts with that intention. For the ladies who are super indecisive when your partner asks you where you want to go for food, being intentional makes it super easy. My boyfriend says to me, “Where do you want to go eat?” I’m like, “This is where we’re going.” To all the guys reading, get your girlfriends and your wives aligned with their mission in life. It makes it easier. That’s the first step.
I’d say the biggest second step is to listen to the fear. A lot of people pretend that it’s not there, but fear is like that three-year-old kid asking the why question. If you ignore the three-year-old kid, they’re going to get louder and louder. The more inappropriate place that you are for them to be asking those questions, the louder they are going to get. Take your coffee out to lunch and talk to it. In the book, The Artist’s Way, she talks about the stream of consciousness writing where you write the words that are in your mind on a sheet of paper. Just say it like, “Fear, what is this about?” and then start writing. You’ll see that the fear wants to keep you safe. When you know what you’re afraid of, you can take steps to prevent that from happening. The fear of not succeeding and not making money, what do you have to do to make sure that you financially stay afloat? The worst-case scenarios that we typically have in our head are typically not that bad, but because we ignore them, the molehill becomes a mountain. Sit down and talk to your fear and ask it what it needs and then put a plan in place to counteract or avoid the things that you’re afraid of as best as you can.
It’s one of the first times that I’ve heard of the concept of talking to an emotion. I’ve heard of it. It’s something similar and a very different way, which I dig. It was, first of all, tapping into your mind and allowing your emotion to manifest itself as some creature. It could be as a person or as any creature that has ever lived or something completely new, and then developing a relationship with it to see how it manifests itself. A new weird thing is that when the first time I did that and opened up that dialogue, I found out that my fear was afraid of me.
It was in total protection. It was a version of me that was terrified of me. The moment we started off that dialogue, writing it out, “What is this? What is it about? What do you want? What can I do? What have you been trying to tell me? What have you been trying to protect me from?” there’s that connection, especially when you’re writing it down. Write it down by hand, not typing it out. It might not sound like it makes a big difference, but it does because of the ideomotor effect and the connection straight with your unconscious. I found out by having that dialogue, I could eliminate a ton of fear right then and there. It was not understanding the fear made the fear so much worse that having that clarity wiped out so much of it. I love that exercise. It’s so good.
For any client who finds that they struggle with the journaling or the stream of consciousness writing, I get them to set up two chairs. When they sit in this chair, they become fear. Close your eyes, become fear, and then talk. You can record it if you want or you can just talk. You’re going to hear it and get the understanding, but have that conversation with fear and then come back to yourself. It shines a light into the places where we’re scared to look. It’s like a kid who believes that there is a monster under their bed. If you never shine the light under the bed and show them that there is no monster there, then their imagination is going to run wild. Whereas if you take the flashlight and you go, “There’s nothing there,” then they’re good. They’ll usually calm down and go to sleep.
Your fear of being afraid of ourselves is such a common fear in that Thomas Edison said, “If we were to do all that we were truly capable of, we would astound ourselves.” Marianne Williamson has that poem about it’s not our darkness that we’re afraid of, it’s our light. A lot of people think that they’re afraid of failure, except they’re usually afraid of success. This is what I’ve seen with my clients. What happens if I truly do all the things that I’m capable of? It’s unfathomable to us what that life would be like. You’re in control of failure. Failure means you fall over and you stay down. As long as you keep getting back up, you’ve never failed. You might be redirected, but you’ve never failed. Putting that spin on it for people helps them have that conversation with their fear.
It goes back to the classic NLP presupposition. There is no failure, only feedback. That is a big concept also in self-love because no self-loving person would truly allow themselves to fail as you defined it – fall on the floor, that’s it. Face in the mud for the rest of my life. That’s not honoring yourself in any capacity. It’s realizing that because something didn’t go your way or even if it went into complete tragedy, that’s fine. You are this fantastically complex creature with all sorts of changing things in you and constantly evolving and growing. You’ve got a light in you that can always be turned up. Part of self-love is acknowledging that it will never be turned down.No self-loving person would truly allow themselves to fail. Click To Tweet
It’s not a thing that exists in your reality. It might not be turned up for a little while as you’re trying different things and you’re experimenting in your life, trying to be a scientist in your own world and finding out what does turn your light even brighter, even lighter, getting that even to be more pure energy knowing that yet you’re going to fall. It’s going to happen. Life is going to hurt. Things are going to suck. Terrible things are going to happen in your world, and it’s okay. As long as you continue to honor yourself through those experiences, going right back to the beginning of the conversation of being committed to your own truth, listening in and saying, “This is what I want to do. This is what’s going to make me happy. This is what I’m being called to do and how I’m called to show up,” and we stay true to those that we can make it through absolutely anything. I do think that you’re right, we will astonish ourselves. You showed it to yourself in a year. It’s beautiful.
I looked at those numbers and I said to my boyfriend like, “I’m an overachiever.” I know that I don’t often give myself credit where credit is due, but numbers don’t lie. When I looked at it, I was like, “I’ve done a lot here.” That deserves some celebrating in itself. It’s the same for anybody. We underestimate what we can do or we typically overestimate what we can do in a period. When we start being self-loving and focusing on that one inch, like what can I do to move me forward towards my mission one inch, then we can achieve a whole lot more than what we think we can.
Can you give our readers one more practical thing that they can do to increase their self-love?
Forgive yourself. We are very quick to forgive other people even in circumstances where other people don’t necessarily deserve it. I always tell my clients, “I’ll never ask you to forgive somebody else. You can if that’s what you want to do. That being said, I’m not going to ask you, too.” A lot of times we forgive people who haven’t genuinely apologized, that maybe they haven’t apologized at all or maybe they have apologized and their behavior hasn’t changed. They were apologizing because it was the right thing to do and not because they felt apologetic about their behavior. We need to forgive ourselves to truly move forward. A lot of people are more willing to forgive everyone else, and then hold that animosity and anger towards themselves in. Even on a cellular biological level, that becomes quite toxic to the body. Studies are showing now that having those negative emotions stored in the body can lead to things like cancer or other diseases and conditions.
What I get my clients to do is write a letter to themselves to forgive themselves. “Dear Tiffany, here’s all the things that I’m upset about. It’s time to forgive and let go. I forgive you,” however they need to structure it, “With love,” sign their name. I get them to burn it. I’m telling people to use fire safety. I almost had somebody who burned their house down. I recommend doing it in a place where you and everyone and the house is safe. I usually burn mine either in the kitchen sink or in the bathtub, but burn the letter. There’s something very cathartic about watching your negative emotions and your stuff burn. Make sure that you leave it all on paper. I’ve had a couple of people who were like, “I don’t think this is going to work.” They do it just to humor me and they call me back and like, “That was so powerful.” That self-forgiveness thing is a key element to being able to move forward with your life.
Thank you. Tiffany, it’s been an awesome conversation with you. Thank you so much for your time with us.
Thank you for having me. I’ve loved it.
How can people reach out to you? How can they learn more to connect with you?
The best ways are on my Facebook page, so Facebook.com/BlueLotusMind or on my website, BlueLotusMind.com. There are free videos and lots of content, articles, podcasts and things like that on there for people to learn more and to get in touch with me.We need to forgive ourselves to truly move forward. Click To Tweet
Can I get your book on your website or do they go to Amazon for that?
Look Tiffany up, check out her book. Self-love is a life-changing thing. I feel like any step, even if it’s one inch forward in that direction is going to make your life entirely different in your business, relationships, your health, all of it. Do yourself a favor, look her up, get in touch with her and get her book. We will see you in the next episode. Tiffany, thank you so much again.
Thank you again.
- Stop Being a Selfish B*tch
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
- The Artist’s Way
- articles on Blue Lotus Mind
- podcasts on Blue Lotus Mind
- Stop Being a Selfish B*tch on paperback version
About Loren Tiffany Toombs
My name is Tiffany Toombs, the woman behind the Blue Lotus brand. I launched Blue Lotus Mind in late 2015 to bring together my passions, expertise, experiences, and knowledge under one roof. Through Blue Lotus I set about to fulfill my personal mission: inspire men, women, and children from around the world to reconnect and love themselves, unconditionally, from the inside out.
I have experienced first hand what it is like to feel stuck and lost in life. This experience allows me to coach from a deeply personal place, from a place of being broken wide open and diving in to sort out the pieces. My breaking wide open moment came at 28 when my world crashed around me when I was faced with a cheating boyfriend, a miscarriage and thoughts of ending it. Stuck in layers and layers of moving, it took me a long time to realize I have to stop and love myself enough to begin to put the pieces back together.
In today’s day and age, busy-ness has become a badge of honor. I watch as people compete with each other to see who’s busier and, ultimately, who has more stress. In this process of this busy-ness, pushing and chasing material possessions, I believe it’s easy to lose touch with the things that truly matter the most to us. It becomes easy to seek out the “quick fixes” to solve or suppress those little niggles in the back of our minds.
I believe we’ve become a society that’s increasingly driven to look beautiful on the outside, regardless of how that feels on the inside. We have so many products that make us – our shell – look perfect, but the internal results of these products can be damaging. And so I want to start a self-love revolution. I want everyone I come into contact with to feel empowered to re-define what happiness and love look and feel like for them.
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